How close is too close to be with your co-workers?

by Ray Bass

Given how much time we all spend working and (before this pandemic) in the office, it’s not surprising that we often form relationships with our co-workers and colleagues. While this may seem like a good thing, there are certainly drawbacks to getting too close with the people you work with.

So if you’re wondering if it’s okay to be close with your co-workers, the short answer is yes. That said, there are some downsides you should know about, and boundaries you might consider setting. 

The good and bad of close co-worker relationships

There are a number of upsides to being friends with your co-workers. Studies have shown that having friends in the workplace can provide you with joy and meaning, enable you to have a more successful career, and positively influence your behavior. Also, people who have a close friend at work are happier, healthier, and also seven times more likely to be engaged in their jobs as compared to those without close work relationships. Finally, in terms of your work product, research says that having friends at work can increase your productivity, performance, and satisfaction with your job. It’s no wonder why companies throw holiday parties, have game nights, or plan other social events—they want employees to mingle and develop friendships because it boosts everyone’s morale, and by proxy, their performance. 

Overall, research indicates that having friends at work yields a net positive outcome—but some experts say there’s a difference between being friends and being absolute best friends. 

“You don’t need to be best buds,” said Amy Cooper Hakim, an industrial-organizational psychology practitioner and workplace expert, to CNN. “You want to be kind, professional, and nice. But we don’t need to tell every person at work our deep dark secrets, and long-term goals and dreams.”

Hakin argues that it’s better to be “friendly” than it is to be “friends,” because there’s a level of competitiveness at work that can make friendships sticky. For example, if you tell a close coworker about your financial situation, it may cause tension when it’s time for raises. Similarly, when your friend is on the same team or in the same department as you, you may experience friction if you get promoted and they don’t (or vice versa)—especially if you’ve been complaining to them about how much you hate your job.

There’s also the risk of becoming workplace gossip if you confide in someone who’s very close with a lot of other colleagues. You don’t want your private business to become public knowledge—because even if it isn’t “bad,” you can’t control how it’s perceived, and there’s a chance it will reflect poorly on you. Your best bet is to steer clear of the gossip circles, and associate yourself with others who are seen as professional. 

In reality, the issue is less that you’re sharing your personal life with someone and more who you’re choosing to share it with. You have to suss out which people are your friends and which people just want to know everything. 

What women have to say about it

In talking to other women, opinions vary when it comes to answering the question “is there such a thing as being too close to co-workers?” Here’s what five real women in the workplace had to say. 

If you both act like grownups, you can be friends without it impacting your work. 

“I think having close friends in the workplace is great. Increasingly, our work and home lives have mixed (for better or worse) and with that, the workplace has become a main place where people can meet friends. I’ve met some of my best friends in the workplace, so I can’t say there’s such a thing as being too close. Everyone should just be grownups and not let it impact the quality or quantity of their work.” 

— Elizabeth, 34, journalist and cookbook author

It can be tricky sometimes, but if you support each other, it can work. 

“I can’t imagine not having close friends at work, but it can be tricky. It helps when your friends are in a different role or at another stage in their career, so that there’s less competition. Some of my closest friends have been in my same role though, and in those cases, it’s important that you both support each other and make it clear you both want each other to succeed.”

— Laura, 26, marketing analyst

If you can build trust and are open to sharing, I think the more your close co-worker knows the better. 

“I think having your ‘person’ at work is arguably one of the most important relationships you have! I spend a majority of my time at work (nowadays on Zoom calls), so it only makes sense that I form close bonds with teammates. My work friends understand my work complaints, when people not at your company won’t understand the intricacies of the job or the complaints about systems and processes. My morale and productivity are better when I have my work person around, and in the past, they’ve helped me navigate difficult work situations and know a ton about my life. I think you have to build trust with your person like you would anyone else, but if you’re trusting and open to sharing info I think the more they know the better. I’m also a big advocate as a woman for other women to share what they’re getting paid, and that’s an easy topic to bring up with your person.” 

— Jules, 27, digital marketing & PR manager

You can have close friends and share what you want to—but do so because you want to, not because you feel pressured to. 

“I think having friends in the workplace can be a really wonderful and special thing. I've met some of my closest friends and fiercest supporters in life in my last two workplaces, and I'm probably one of the luckier ones who can say that I've never had issues with work friends in the same ways that I've had issues with friends I grew up with. I think part of the reason for that is because making friends when you're older is much different. You know what you're looking for in a good friendship; you have the advantage of having grown up and explored who you are. So when you find a great friend as an adult, it's that much more special.

With that being said, I think something to consider when growing a friendship with a coworker is being honest. If you don't feel comfortable talking about personal things in the office or during work hours, you should express that so you don't feel pressured to participate in such conversations. If you are both in the same or similar role, it could be hairy to navigate going for a promotion, especially if you're both up for it. I really do think that if the friendship is strong, you both should be able to work through that challenge and remain friends, though likely difficult at first.”

— Nora, 28, director of marketing

You don’t need to befriend everyone, but having one or two genuinely close friendships can improve your quality of life. 

“In a full-time job, you’re spending most of your day working alongside a group of people. If you’re lucky enough to get to build close friendships with one or two of those people—and I mean genuine relationships where you mutually support and uplift each other professionally and personally—that’s an amazing thing. In my opinion, it has a huge effect on your quality of life.”

— Kristina, 35, writer and editor

The bottom line

At the end of the day, it’s absolutely acceptable to have workplace friends, and having them can benefit us in a number of ways. The real takeaway is that we should consider what kind of relationship we want to have with someone at work before we tell them every detail of our lives. And we have to remember that friendship is a two-way street—you don’t want “friends” who use you or get your help when they need it, but are never there to help you. Similarly, you don’t want to befriend anyone who treats you like an emotional dumping ground, but when you have problems or need to vent, they’re too busy to hear you out. Friendships at work should add to the experience, and give you a trustworthy ally who is willing to support you as much as you are them.

If you decide to pursue a close friend relationship, give it time to develop, work on building mutual trust, and above all, make it clear that you support them and would like the same. If you do that, there’s no reason why your coworkers can’t be your real friends, too.