Why am I so tired all the time?

Understanding burnout, microaggressions, and other factors that make you exhausted

by Maya Afilalo

From time to time, we’re all sluggish at work. Maybe it’s a bad night of sleep, or the post-lunch slump. 

But what if exhaustion has become your new normal?

First things first: revisit the basics. Sleep, nutrition, exercise, time to relax, and socializing are critical to staying energized. 

If you’re ticking those boxes and still feeling tired, here are 3 things that might be zapping your energy—and what to do about them.

1. You’re burned out

There comes a point when dedication tips into overexertion. Sure, every now and then it’s necessary to put in a long week, or maybe several. But you enter dangerous territory when a dramatic workload becomes “normal.”

Working from home can make things worse. A survey by BlueJeans from earlier this year found that remote workers are putting in an extra 3.13 hours a day from home. 

With long hours comes stress, and eventually, the physical and emotional exhaustion of burnout. And here’s something that might surprise you: overwork isn’t the only culprit. Burnout also happens when expectations aren’t clear, or you don’t have control over your work.

“Eventually that lack of agency can leave you feeling dejected or even depressed, and your body’s constant physical fatigue can become seemingly unshakable,” says Dr. Art Markman, professor of Psychology at the University of Texas.

Whatever the cause of your burnout, it can feel nerve-wracking to talk to your boss. You might worry that you’re doing something wrong, or that you’ll look bad at your job.

Instead, try approaching the conversation as an ask for advice. This is the recommendation of Dr. Liane Davey, best-selling author who holds a Ph.D. in Industrial/Organizational Psychology. You might say something like, “It takes me X hours to complete Y task. Is this about what you’d expect? Do you have any advice for simplifying the process?” This can also help you clarify expectations, and gain a better sense of control. If you’re antsy about going to your supervisor, co-workers can also offer useful advice.

2. You’re constantly dealing with office drama

Does your office feel like a place of work? Or do politics and gossip make it seem more like an episode of House of Cards?

Maybe it’s being asked to take sides in an argument, or navigating a tense relationship between teammates, or co-workers roping you into gossip and complaints. Office drama can be just as exhausting as work itself. And this is compounded by the fact that in and out of work, women are expected to do more emotional labor than men.

The best solution is often to remove yourself from the situation. It can help to decide your exit strategy ahead of time. Come up with some escape phrases like, “I’m on a deadline” or “I need to prep for a meeting” or simply “I can’t help you with that one.”

If you think there’s some truth to a teammate’s complaint, you can suggest they try to address it: “I hear your concern, but there’s not much I can do. Why don’t you talk with so-and-so about this?” This sends the message that you’re not simply a sounding board for venting.

3. You’re too giving of yourself (whether you want to be or not)

This is probably the biggest energy drain, especially for women. From a young age, we’re taught that our role is to support others. At work, this translates into staying late to give a colleague a hand, or spending hours helping prep a presentation that you’re not actually part of. Helping out can feel good, but if you don’t take steps to protect your time, it will quickly lead to exhaustion.

“People often make the mistake of confusing generosity with selflessness,” write Wharton School professor Adam Grant and senior research fellow Reb Rebele. “Being an effective giver isn’t about dropping everything every time for every person. It’s about making sure that the benefits of helping others outweigh the costs to you.”

They suggest giving proactively, not reactively. Instead of responding to every request, help on your own terms. Think about your skills and how you can best contribute. Maybe it’s teaching others, assembling resources, making introductions, or sharing expertise.

“Identify two or three ways of offering unique value to others — things you do well and enjoy,” say Grant and Rebele. “Rather than feeling pressured to help, you’re choosing to help, which is good for your motivation, your creativity, and your well-being.”

Unfortunately, as we know all too well, there are times when a request for help veers into the territory of microaggression. 

Women receive 44% more requests to “volunteer” for “office housework”—tasks like helping colleagues with computer issues, ordering lunch, or taking meeting notes. The gap is often larger for women of color. It’s exhausting, both physically and emotionally.

The key here is to set boundaries. For example: “I took notes at the last couple meetings. How about we set up a rotation instead?” And if you see it happening to another woman, and you feel comfortable, intervene or enlist the help of a male ally. For example: “I’m not sure that’s the best use of her skills and time. Why don’t we ask a more junior team member?”

Ultimately, don’t be afraid to turn down a request. Practice some go-to phrases that can make it easier, like, “With the commitments on my plate now, I wouldn’t be reliable if I took on more work.” Remember that by saying ‘no’, you’re saying ‘yes’ to your own wellbeing.

Bottom line: Constant fatigue isn’t always the result of a bad night’s sleep. You might be burned out, sick of drama, or depleted from giving. Consider whether one of these forces is draining your energy, and take action. It might not be comfortable in the moment, but then again, neither is feeling tired.